Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
two words: eviction party
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
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