hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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