she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
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Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
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It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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