i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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