It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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