Don't EVER smell your tampon
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
