so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
