you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
