Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
