At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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