Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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