Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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