Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
