So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
