Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
