Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
