So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
