the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
