mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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