Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
