I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
