Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
BRING THE BAGELS
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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