Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
