I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
