Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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