Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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