What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
