I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
