he wants to bone in the snuggie
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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