idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
