Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
