so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
