Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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