i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
