we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
