Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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