My room smells like vodka and shame
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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