I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
