I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
