A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize