WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
