I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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