Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
