If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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