So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
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now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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