You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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