im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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