I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
