woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
