my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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