Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I have aggressive nipples.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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