so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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