We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
