he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
