he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize