I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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