On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
