Apparently you make a good broom.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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